A lot of you, I'm sure, have noticed that I haven't exactly been my typical jubilant self recently...
The purpose of this post is not to seek pity, nor compliments, nor advice, nor anger. This post aims to achieve nothing more than to relieve the curiosity of those who might wonder, "What's wrong with Ryan?"
It all has to do with a steady stream of realizations that all hit me at once.
The first thing I'm going to tackle is the one that I'm tired of bringing up with people because I always feel like a jerk for doing it because I know that nothing good is going to come of the conversation that follows. I mean not to insult any advice or compliments people have given me... but I need to get this out of the way.
The other day I realized that I am destined to be alone... most likely forever. It all comes down to the most superficial thing you can think of: my looks.
You always hear how "women love confidence"... I believe that's true, along with all the other drivel. The problem is I cannot possibly find myself attractive, I have no confidence in myself, in my looks, in the way I act... When I look in the mirror in the mornings I always wish I was anyone but me... I always tells people I think I'm ugly and, being the kind people they are, in response tell me that I'm not, and I appreciate that. The thing is though, it doesn't matter who tells me I'm attractive... I'm always going to think I'm not. You could have all my celebrity crushes tell me that I'm the hottest thing ever and I'd not believe it for a second. Ugh this post is so abstract... I'll have to revise when I'm more awake... the point is... There's that old saying "You can't love someone until you love yourself." Well, I'm never going to love myself... the fact is I hate the way I look; do I think I look better than some people? Sure. Do I think I look attractive on some days? Sure. Most of the time though I'd rather just close my eyes and make up a life for myself then actually have to go out and face the day. The reason this is so harrowing to me is because I'm the kind of person who hates being alone... and with this inability to even approach a girl, let alone charm one, alone is what it appears I'm going to be. This is one of the many revelations that I have made that have slowly been chipping away at my ...sanity?
Next... Everything I used to define myself by... everything I used to attribute to myself... It's all gone. There's nothing.
I used to pride myself on my hot girlfriend; that's gone. I'm not saying that I'm sitting in the dark watching The Notebook over and over again but it's one facet of my life I used to be proud of, something that gave me some confidence
I used to pride myself on my ability to maintain a relationship for 2+ years; the fact is that... well, I don't want to go into specifics but it was far from your 'normal' relationship (Sorry Liz, I think we both feel the same way though)
I used to pride myself on what little smarts I had; I've now come to accept the fact that anyone can get a 30 on their ACT if they are given the same "accommodations" that I had. Further purporting this fact is the fact that well, I FLUNKED a college class... my first semester. I know they say that all the famous geniuses had trouble in school but I'm sure all those famous geniuses also got a much higher score than a 30 on their ACT
I used to pride myself on the fact that I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my, and I knew how I was going to achieve it; I now know that the achievements I had laid out before me can never be. To be a successful lawyer, you must get into a major law school, to get into a major law school you have to have an incredibly high GPA as well as something about you that catches the Universitys eye. With my new F, It will take me 4 years just to recover my GPA from the gutter.
I have nothing left for myself. I am a shell of what I once was; I have friends, to be sure, but they all have direction. Still, I am thankful for them. As well as for my new found family.
So, consider this my last ever time of "feeling sorry for myself" because I hate bringing up the same problems over and over and over and over again, because they're always going to relate to these.
"...Hurricane I'll never outrun/I could wait around for the dust to still/But I don't believe that it ever will..."
-- Hurricane by The Hush Sound
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1 comment:
On a whim, I checked your blog, and I'm really glad I did. I know you said no one can talk you out of what you're feeling, and I understand that and am not going to try. I will tell you, though, just because I can, and I believe it fully, that you are an incredible person, Ryan. I will always think that.
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