Why? What did I do?

A month now. A month this feud has been ongoing. A feud that started with a text. Plain and simple, one text that was out of character caused one of the greatest conflicts in my life.

This is my blog, so I'm going to write what I want. I'm not gonna worry about if you read it or not, because I don't care. If you want to keep your fire fueled, go for it, but know that the entire time I'll be surviving off those too-few good memories. Go ahead, make this into a guilt trip, make it into an overdramatic letter. I know my intentions are good, I know my intentions are true, and I will not back down on my convictions.

Why is life doing this to me? What did I do? I'm the first in at work, the last to leave, I would drive across the entire country for family, stay up all night, go without eating, I would take a bullet for a friend, give an organ to save a life, but every time I feel I'm about to get my reward, it gets yanked away. My entire life I've wanted to know family. One blood relative. Someone to understand why I was upset, to make memories with. I met that girl, but once again I wasn't a good enough person. I wasn't friendly enough. Generous enough. Supportive enough. I need to be perfect. I know this because another family member gave me up. I'm alone once more. That's why everyone tells me to live for myself. I'm not living for myself. I know my purpose is to serve others, and so I'm serving that purpose, and when my time is done, I'll go without a fight, but does that mean that my time here has to be made this awful? Why can't I find a little bit of my soul, my spirit, my being, my respite? Why do I have to be punished for my short comings and have my miracles overlooked, like par on a golf course. I literally live my life to make sure other people are happy, so what do I do when one doesn't want me? What do I do when the one that doesn't want me is the one I want more than any other? What do I do when everyone tells me they're there for me and then they all find significant others? Why would I support someone who admittedly wasn't sexually attracted for two years? Why would I believe I loved that person? When can I become my MSRP, because right now I'm bargain bin.

So I'm gonna stop. I'm done trying to get people to love. As long as they're happy with their life, I'll be happy. My happiness is moot, because everytime I'm about to experience it, something happens. Something has to happen. Because as funny as it is to say that, that my parade always gets rained on, it's true, imagine, having everything good dampend in some way? Why can't one event go over without flaw?

I must better myself. If life wants to start this war, we'll start it. I'm ready to make sacrifices though to experience one moment of absolute, unfiltered bliss, and when that time comes, even though I'll be battered, bloody, and bruised and on my last whim, I'm going to revel in it, because I'll know that I have finally given enough of myself, enough of my being, enough of my person, to finally be happy. I know though, that now is the time for me to take that hit. I believe that in every mans life, there is a point where he makes or breaks who he is, an event, so major in size, that it can affect his entire life and wipe away all his past deeds, be they good or bad. I'm at that point now. I can lower my shoulders, let down my guard, and get that happiness I long for, jones for, crave for, die for, cry for. Or I can stay true to me, I can stand by my convictions. I can accept that I don't have to give away everything, that I can keep my pride, my dignity, my self-respect.

What would you do? Be true to you? Or give in to temptation?

You tie my hands.
What am I gonna be?
What have I done so bad?
What is my destiny?
You tie my hands.
What am I supposed to see?
What have I done so bad?
What am I gonna be?

I knock on the door
Hope isn't home, fate's not around, and the lucks gone
don't ask me what's wrong, ask me what's right
And I'ma tell you what's life

Sleep time.

I need to get this off my chest.

What do you do when someone tells you they don't want to talk to you? What do you do when you want to let you back into their life but they won't even hear you out? What do you do when, at one of the darkest moments in your life, the one person who could make you feel better is nowhere to be found?

I ask myself these questions over, and over, and over again. So much that I've only gotten 1-3 hours of sleep each night for the past 3 nights. Since I can't talk to her directly, I figure that I'll just write everything I want to say here, where I know she won't check. Writing it in Word wouldn't be enough because then I'd just want to e-mail it to her, and making this entry private would just make me feel stupid. So, if she (you) do happen to stumble upon this page, congratulations, you uncovered everything I've wanted to say to you over the past... I don't know how many days. At this point it literally feels like it's been months.

I don't even know how to start. The thing that I just want to tell you the most isn't how much I know or don't know you, as you are now questioning, rather, I wanna bring up something that, if I actually said to you, would probably make you hate me for the rest of my life... I was digging through old IM conversations last night, reading through them, when I came across this...

Her: i cant do anything to prove to her how much i love her
Her: because then she'll push me away even more

So while you criticize my tactics of texting you, and sending you Facebook messages, just please, look at what you did last time someone you really loved pushed you away... you did anything and everything in your power to try to win them back. I get that this is probably a horrible example to use but it's true, no matter what way you break it up. So don't say that you would have handled this any differently if you were in my situation, we've already established that we're almost the same person. I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with me right now, I really don't. I don't even want to deal with myself and you're going through a stressful period, but I still want to stress the point that I'll still be here for you... I just need you right now and you need to not have me.

Further, I'm incredibly sorry for telling you I want you out of my life... I'm just afraid... afraid of being abandoned; for that brief moment, I thought "If I abandon her before she can abandon me, then I'll save myself the hurt in the end." I can't stress enough how terrified of losing you I am... all over a text message. I get what you thought about my texts/message/actions but I swear to all that I hold dear that I just wanted to win you back... I want my big sis with me...

Every night I sit in bed hunched over our picture, crying, thinking about the night that you drove me to the airport. "I want you as close to me for as long as possible" you said to me. That's what I want. More than ever. Whenever I lay down I close my eyes and imagine you being the "Big Spoon" and me the "Little Spoon", and I make up memories for us... memories we never got to make before because we were ripped apart by the hands of fate...

I imagine us running through a grassy field on a warm summer day, and I fall and skin my knee, and you come and take care of me

I picture me getting pushed around in gym and you come and defend me... I get mad at you for defending me because you're my older sister but deep down I'm grateful.

I picture me watching you at your High School graduation, thinking "That's my big sister!"
I picture you watching me at my High School graduation, thinking "That's my little brother!"
I picture us going Trick or Treating together, I picture us opening presents together, celebrating birthday's, going through break-ups together, falling in love together... but above and beyond all a picture a time when we can just be together and can be by one another's side at the drop of a hat.

I don't think about those things anymore though; instead, I think about if you'll ever even be close with me again. I think if you'll ever want me in your life as much as you did before. I think about all the ways I can make it right...

How can I make this right?

I used to cry every time I'd see this because I'd think of our parents, now, I cry every time I see it because those were some of the thought's running through my head the day you finally told me what was bothering you and let me know that all my well-intentioned things were met with disgust and annoyance... the last line in this video is particularly true. After I told you I don't want you in my life... all I could think was "Why doesn't she want me? Why doesn't any of my blood-family want me?" Please tell me you still want me... please forgive me sooner rather than later... this time apart might just be the death of me.