I need to get this off my chest.

What do you do when someone tells you they don't want to talk to you? What do you do when you want to let you back into their life but they won't even hear you out? What do you do when, at one of the darkest moments in your life, the one person who could make you feel better is nowhere to be found?

I ask myself these questions over, and over, and over again. So much that I've only gotten 1-3 hours of sleep each night for the past 3 nights. Since I can't talk to her directly, I figure that I'll just write everything I want to say here, where I know she won't check. Writing it in Word wouldn't be enough because then I'd just want to e-mail it to her, and making this entry private would just make me feel stupid. So, if she (you) do happen to stumble upon this page, congratulations, you uncovered everything I've wanted to say to you over the past... I don't know how many days. At this point it literally feels like it's been months.

I don't even know how to start. The thing that I just want to tell you the most isn't how much I know or don't know you, as you are now questioning, rather, I wanna bring up something that, if I actually said to you, would probably make you hate me for the rest of my life... I was digging through old IM conversations last night, reading through them, when I came across this...

Her: i cant do anything to prove to her how much i love her
Her: because then she'll push me away even more

So while you criticize my tactics of texting you, and sending you Facebook messages, just please, look at what you did last time someone you really loved pushed you away... you did anything and everything in your power to try to win them back. I get that this is probably a horrible example to use but it's true, no matter what way you break it up. So don't say that you would have handled this any differently if you were in my situation, we've already established that we're almost the same person. I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with me right now, I really don't. I don't even want to deal with myself and you're going through a stressful period, but I still want to stress the point that I'll still be here for you... I just need you right now and you need to not have me.

Further, I'm incredibly sorry for telling you I want you out of my life... I'm just afraid... afraid of being abandoned; for that brief moment, I thought "If I abandon her before she can abandon me, then I'll save myself the hurt in the end." I can't stress enough how terrified of losing you I am... all over a text message. I get what you thought about my texts/message/actions but I swear to all that I hold dear that I just wanted to win you back... I want my big sis with me...

Every night I sit in bed hunched over our picture, crying, thinking about the night that you drove me to the airport. "I want you as close to me for as long as possible" you said to me. That's what I want. More than ever. Whenever I lay down I close my eyes and imagine you being the "Big Spoon" and me the "Little Spoon", and I make up memories for us... memories we never got to make before because we were ripped apart by the hands of fate...

I imagine us running through a grassy field on a warm summer day, and I fall and skin my knee, and you come and take care of me

I picture me getting pushed around in gym and you come and defend me... I get mad at you for defending me because you're my older sister but deep down I'm grateful.

I picture me watching you at your High School graduation, thinking "That's my big sister!"
I picture you watching me at my High School graduation, thinking "That's my little brother!"
I picture us going Trick or Treating together, I picture us opening presents together, celebrating birthday's, going through break-ups together, falling in love together... but above and beyond all a picture a time when we can just be together and can be by one another's side at the drop of a hat.

I don't think about those things anymore though; instead, I think about if you'll ever even be close with me again. I think if you'll ever want me in your life as much as you did before. I think about all the ways I can make it right...

How can I make this right?

I used to cry every time I'd see this because I'd think of our parents, now, I cry every time I see it because those were some of the thought's running through my head the day you finally told me what was bothering you and let me know that all my well-intentioned things were met with disgust and annoyance... the last line in this video is particularly true. After I told you I don't want you in my life... all I could think was "Why doesn't she want me? Why doesn't any of my blood-family want me?" Please tell me you still want me... please forgive me sooner rather than later... this time apart might just be the death of me.