Why? What did I do?

A month now. A month this feud has been ongoing. A feud that started with a text. Plain and simple, one text that was out of character caused one of the greatest conflicts in my life.

This is my blog, so I'm going to write what I want. I'm not gonna worry about if you read it or not, because I don't care. If you want to keep your fire fueled, go for it, but know that the entire time I'll be surviving off those too-few good memories. Go ahead, make this into a guilt trip, make it into an overdramatic letter. I know my intentions are good, I know my intentions are true, and I will not back down on my convictions.

Why is life doing this to me? What did I do? I'm the first in at work, the last to leave, I would drive across the entire country for family, stay up all night, go without eating, I would take a bullet for a friend, give an organ to save a life, but every time I feel I'm about to get my reward, it gets yanked away. My entire life I've wanted to know family. One blood relative. Someone to understand why I was upset, to make memories with. I met that girl, but once again I wasn't a good enough person. I wasn't friendly enough. Generous enough. Supportive enough. I need to be perfect. I know this because another family member gave me up. I'm alone once more. That's why everyone tells me to live for myself. I'm not living for myself. I know my purpose is to serve others, and so I'm serving that purpose, and when my time is done, I'll go without a fight, but does that mean that my time here has to be made this awful? Why can't I find a little bit of my soul, my spirit, my being, my respite? Why do I have to be punished for my short comings and have my miracles overlooked, like par on a golf course. I literally live my life to make sure other people are happy, so what do I do when one doesn't want me? What do I do when the one that doesn't want me is the one I want more than any other? What do I do when everyone tells me they're there for me and then they all find significant others? Why would I support someone who admittedly wasn't sexually attracted for two years? Why would I believe I loved that person? When can I become my MSRP, because right now I'm bargain bin.

So I'm gonna stop. I'm done trying to get people to love. As long as they're happy with their life, I'll be happy. My happiness is moot, because everytime I'm about to experience it, something happens. Something has to happen. Because as funny as it is to say that, that my parade always gets rained on, it's true, imagine, having everything good dampend in some way? Why can't one event go over without flaw?

I must better myself. If life wants to start this war, we'll start it. I'm ready to make sacrifices though to experience one moment of absolute, unfiltered bliss, and when that time comes, even though I'll be battered, bloody, and bruised and on my last whim, I'm going to revel in it, because I'll know that I have finally given enough of myself, enough of my being, enough of my person, to finally be happy. I know though, that now is the time for me to take that hit. I believe that in every mans life, there is a point where he makes or breaks who he is, an event, so major in size, that it can affect his entire life and wipe away all his past deeds, be they good or bad. I'm at that point now. I can lower my shoulders, let down my guard, and get that happiness I long for, jones for, crave for, die for, cry for. Or I can stay true to me, I can stand by my convictions. I can accept that I don't have to give away everything, that I can keep my pride, my dignity, my self-respect.

What would you do? Be true to you? Or give in to temptation?

You tie my hands.
What am I gonna be?
What have I done so bad?
What is my destiny?
You tie my hands.
What am I supposed to see?
What have I done so bad?
What am I gonna be?

I knock on the door
Hope isn't home, fate's not around, and the lucks gone
don't ask me what's wrong, ask me what's right
And I'ma tell you what's life

Sleep time.